2016 Blitzlection

Well, what a monumental week here in the BlitzTV studio! Welcome back to the corner of the garage where we can give you a quick round up of all the events and how they affect the BlitzWeather outlook. First we cross to our chief Blitzpolitical reporter Shelly Derpocrat on the steps of the Capitol … beep … a … beep … beep …

… Thanks central studio, you have that right, it’s been a stunning few days across all maps here! I coming live to you from the fountain steps on Vineyards, which you all know houses the Blitz Capitol since it was moved from Middleburg 1.0. The historic passage of Resolution 5 in the last election cycle, the so called “No Cap Monkey Left Without HEAT” Proposition, did not have the impact intended. Noobs have continued to pronounce their generally unpopular policy at the start of every battle. Indeed, “Capture the baaaaaassssse!” has become a populist rallying cry for 43%-ers across the entire orange end of the spectrum. The recent introduction of Supremacy seemed to justify their strategy, at least to their own constituents, but educated Blitz-ers have been turned “OFF” by their rhetoric. This small policy change may indeed have a moderate selective outcome in filtering the “Seal, juvenile” segment from high tier random battles. All the more shocking then was the presumptive regime change that swept the battlefields early on Wednesday morning. The establishment’s failure to recognize and adjust to the disgruntled player base, rather than pandering to the elitist wallet warrior class, delivered a stunning chastisement at the polls. Large crowds flocked to hear the candidate announce his simple, yet resonating, policies:

“No more swarms of light tanks crossing the river on Port Bay”

“Undocumented TD’s will be identified and offered a path to the garage”

“Limit the Free Trading of HP”

“We will rebuild Himmelsdorf”

The massive surge of frustration that swept through the high ground as IS6-driving >500-gamers sat in the open, or on the top of dunes, in a swamp, or at the lighthouse, culminated in a dramatic repudiation of the status quo. Unfortunately, it’s time to break it to the victors as gently as we can … That’s right, Blitz is a benevolent dictatorship, not a constitutional republic. In keeping with absolute power, which they claim enables them to pump out new maps, “rebalancing” updates and overpriced anime tank bundles with great regulatory, “The Developers” (as their junta has come to be known) have offered several olive branches to the tankoletariat. Re-edukation Kamps will be held at the renamed “Salt Mines” map (which you will like), utilizing the cleared central mine shaft and it’s “spacious, well lit and adequately ventilated” tunnel network. Tantrum throwing elitists struggling to face the full consequences of the populist revolution will be reissued with their pre-nerf “Therapy Luchs” for one week. And finally, those volunteering to depart to supposedly more forgiving overlords in the north will be offered the following routes:

  • By sea: embarkation on the freighters at Port Bay, the yellow submarine on Mirage (crew only), or to the mighty Yamato (only one-way ticketing available).
  • By rail: Mirage, Dead Rail, Himmesdorf, and Desert Sands (please load only serviceable railcars).

Evacuees are cautioned: rumors that maps to the north are making surprising progress in wall construction have been confirmed. However, our scouting runs also indicate that the obstacles are of destructible material and not concrete barriers or shipping crates. And that’s the state of play after an historic few days here in Blitz! This is Shelly Derpocrat sending you back to the studio …

… beep … a … beep … Thanks Shell, wow what a week! We still need a BlitzWeather report though, but can’t locate our reporter on Middleburg 2.0 due to all smoke billowing from the “Legalize Recreational MM” party HQ. Looks like it may have got a little out of control and they have burnt the whole town down to the ground. Can you improvise one while you are still live? … beep …

… Uh… OK, we are still shrouded in smoke here too because they also torched the Old Ruins when they set up a local branch. The word on the street is to stay away from the swamp of tiers 7-8, which is now a quagmire of IS-spam + DracHell Swarm. This condition probably won’t be alleviated by the arrival of the Panther 88, although recently disenfranchised elitists will probably flock to it. All this aside, I think we can forecast moderately pleasant weather in other tiers, as long as there isn’t any kind of late-breaking scandal from the Blitz Bureau of Rebalancing … beep …

… There you have it folks. Outlook is fine, just don’t do anything stupid! Back to our scheduled program: “The Eco-Friendly Credit Grind: How to Dump Your Defender and Breathe the Free Air Again”

 

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