Twister Cup

(orange text)

“Negative Marsha_WRExD_”

“That’s not”

“Reloading! NOT my little Luchs!”

 

(orange text)

“Quit dead raging XboyFIEND_unconquerable”

“U kamp like noob”

“Of course your father!”

 

(orange text)

“*You’re”

 

(red text)

“It’s over. Enjoy s’mores loser”

 

(green text)

“If you think I’m paying full provisions”

“and maintenance for that thing”

 

(red text)

“I KILL U!”

 

(green text)

“and that gold camo”

“and prammo…”

 

(red text)

“Arrghhhh!”

 

(green text)

“…you’re gratuitously mistaken”

 

(green text)

“This HESH is 4U”

“take 450 hp loser!”

 

….. beep … a … beep … beep …

Our apologies for breaking into today’s episode of “The Alpha and the Armor”, the riveting soap opera now in it’s third season here on BlitzTV. We will get back to find out if Marsha keeps the Luchs or sells it for a free garage slot after our weekly BlitzWeather update! We have a BIG guest interview and BlitzWeather reporter this week! Just as you saw on the Twister Cup final stream, Farmer_Viktor_Sniper himself is here stateside. Over to you Viktor, live at the NA Server Farm… beep … a … beep …

… Thanks good, Garage Studio. What grate tournament we have. Russians stronnk! Forever stronnk … beep …

Farmer_Victor, what’s being going on down at HappyBias Orchards? I hear there is a new flock of tankers about to be released? Can you show our camera around some of the operation on the NA Server Farm? … beep …

… I can, I can. Here you see where all tankers start! Yes, all account eggs start here in the incubator. It warm and after getting most important “information” from them, out pop little tanker-chicks. They work hard to get out shell and are tired. But put them straight into tutorial battle we do! Make them stronnk, like RU clans, hahahaha! We even have instructions now. Shoot red tanks is good! … beep …

Farmer_Vik, some new players don’t get that message clearly enough, do you realize that? … beep …

… and after some battle, they can now earn gold to purchase first premium tenk. Once they have baby premium tenk, they can go to real battle thinking they are boss. This very important. Also, once they have premium tenk, they want more premium tenk. Especially Löwe. This also very important and why we get their “information” first. It called imprinting. All baby chick-tenker want more premium tenk and after, premium time too! Very important for growth of chick-tenker, and, by the way, HappyBias Orchard too. Yes? … beep …

Uh, yeah, Farmer_Victor_Sniper, we have realized that. What happens next? … beep …

… Oh, next is good too! You will see! This shed is where the little tenker-chicks begin to grow to become pullet- and polk-tenkers. We feed them lots, shhh, don’t tell them it’s mostly other baby chick-tenkers, hahaha! Gud farm joke! Mostly we teach need to buy premium tenks. Oh, LOOK HERE, it’s a new tier 7 anime tenk for tenker-chick to buy! But it’s free game, see? … beep …

And when were you releasing this flock Vik? … beep …

… HAPPY THANKSGIVING to HappyBias Orchard!

And this shed you see battleground of the tomorrow! Look at all these, ugh, “playahs”. Is that how you say? Anyway, they ready for sure! Let’s ask some.

Hello, Player_738375738, how do you Blitz?

“Gobble gobble gobble gobble”

And here is me_kill_U_ded_good, and he has an IS-6 already! This guy awesome!

“Gobble gobble gobble” … beep …

OK, thanks Farmer_Viktor, thanks for that insight into HappyBias Orchard, where hatchlings pop around the clock and they say the creek in the woods runs with gold! Why don’t you show them in action, lets see a game live here on BlitzTV! … beep …

… Grate idea. This is grate. Lets load up tenkers. Grate! Here we go. Random battle. Tier 8 loading! OK! IS-6, gud, two Löwe, gud, Panther 8.8, and three Panther M10’s, grate! Good gold choice, yes! Against … a Löwe, two IS-6’s, stronk!, a Borsig (someone get a iTunes card already! Most grate!!), two more M10’s, and, and, what? Who has SU-122-44? _notA_reroll, why you buy OP TD?

“Nothing to see here. Move along”

OK, sorry for that! Sometimes the hawk eggs get mixed up in the incubator. We move him off to his clan as soon as he eat enough baby chicks. OK, battle starting! Best map for tournament! Fort! Look at how they move up! Player_73654738, you go to middle of field?

“Gobble gobble gobble gobble”

Grate! OK, Panther tanks moving slow, accurate history this game! IS tanks crush! Crush and stronnk!! Stalin monster go forward and shoot all the red tanks! Bwahahahahahha, just like Twister! Hahahah, we train good! Hahahaha. … … … wut? … [static] … beep …

Viktor? Farmer_Vik? OK viewers, we seem to be having some technical difficulties out there on the server farm … beep … beep …

… Restart! We restart! It’s gud. Tournament grate! Battle again turkey-tankers. Tier 7 this time, new anime bundle is good pick just $29.99! OK, lets battle! Roll out, here we go … … …  [static] … RESTART, WE JUST RESTART AGAIN! Easy fix, just like patch 2.9. Tournament grate! We RESTART! BUSHKA, KEEP TALKING GUD! YOU GUD AT THIS! … beep …

Um. OK. I think we will leave Farmer_Viktor_Sniper to continue waving his arms ineffectually over on “Fort of WG Despair” and we will run the BlitzWeather report from the Garage Studio. Here we go:

It’s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving here on the NA server and you know what that means. Turkeys with iPhones will be on the loose all over Blitz for the whole extended weekend, and the fowl weather is expected to continue more or less all the way through to the New Year. The forecast calls for driving OP tenks, tenks in toons, or Kenny. We advise WW tankers to at least attempt portraying an intent of resistance before breaking down and buying whatever bundle drops on Black Friday. From two previous treks through the Holiday Season wasteland, the BlitzWeather forecast team suggests taking preventative measures to forestall burnout (although they won’t work), such as a mild sedative, a month long vacation in the Bahamas, adoption of a puppy, or curling up in the fetal position next to the fireplace. 

Now, back to “Alpha & Armor”, where we hear XboyFIEND say:

(orange text)

“Platoon request accepted”

“Clan rewards doubled!”

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