90-days

[David Tankenborough narration] The fully grown Jadgpanzer E100 believes he has found a prime spot to ambush his prey. But his presumption of cunning is not warranted. The armored vehicle is even larger than the shrubbery it is encamped in, and predators have already picked up the scent. In most mature tankers the lightbulb signals “danger” to the amygdala, the brain center that process fear conditioning. But this TD-driver has advanced far beyond rational development, into a tier seething with the maelstrom of Soviet mediums. He gets one shot off down range, tracking but not even damaging the low-tier T-54, while the stronger wolves duck and nip from behind mounds and ridges. Punching adrenaline is a compulsive survival reflex for the patterned land whale, Facistboxus giganticus, but it often serves to just waste even more credits. This time however the blind squirrel cracks a big nut. The second shot is only half-aimed but the projectile dukes RNG and connects with the ammorack of the rapidly closing Object 140. The predator instantly turns into prey and HEAT_whisperer gapes in horror at the smoking wreckage of his Russian-bias. Perhaps the apex predator has an Achilles heel after all? A single obscene text follows, before the _whisperer rage-quits back to the garage. The triumphant resistance is short lived and the end comes swiftly for the lumbering behemoth. Traversing absurdly in the open against the swirling pack he is out DPM-ed within 30 seconds. Unlike the vanquished unicum, the seemingly all knowing habitual kamper fills global chat with vindictive for the remaining three minutes …

… beep … a … beep … beep … We interrupt this episode of “Planet Kamp Tank” to bring you this weeks BlitzWeather report. It’s a bit nasty out there tankers, lets spread some holiday cheer with the second part of our interview with Farmer_Viktor_Sniper! What’s the weather like at HappyBias Orchards _Vik? … beep … beep …

… Is gud! Happy Holidays to us! The weather is like golden sunshine streaming across all servers! … beep

Oh, Farmer_Vik? Really? There are may players out there making references to the “90 Days of Noobs*”. How can the sun be shining? … beep …

… Yes! Sun shining golden! Always shining! Best golden sunshine by far is Helsing and Dracula grind! Much gold! But then Steam pack gold for underpowered Panther 8,8, VK and big Tier III brick. Then more gold for Berlin Quartet! Then sudden PzV/IV bundle! EVEN MORE GOLD!! And then gold for SUPER RARE Hydrostat and M4A2E4, but not so rare anymore, but THEN … Shinobi gold!!! Hahahaha. But that’s not all! Now BT-SV again!!!! The sun is sooooo beautiful … beep …

[awkward pause]

Errrr, OK. We are going to end the interview right there, I’m not sure we are going to learn anything useful from Viktor_Sniper today. Let’s cut straight to the BlitzWeather outlook:

FELL WINTER HAS STRUCK. General alert: Brutal downpour of noobology 101 graduates. All maps utterly saturated in cluelessness and can’t be wrung out and air dried for another five (5) weeks. The Dracswarm has imprinted all holiday gobblers into running the new US lights as a quintessential moron-patrol. BlitzTV suggests running anniversary tanks, the minimal 2x grinding required for tech tree progress, perhaps some credit grinding in your shiny new Shinobi/ATM, then JUST GO DO SOMETHING ELSE FOR A CHANGE. IT’S NOT WORTH IT. And whatever you do, STOP COMPULSIVE GOLD SHOVELING AT FARMER_VIKTOR_SNIPER’s ANIME TANKS. 

Back to the wolfpack as it bounds away from the carcass of the JPE100, their bloodlust for slaughter howling loudly across the valley …

 

*SomeguyfromPitt tankboom IPA-tanking

 

 

 

 

3 Comments Add yours

  1. CzechCongo says:

    Facistboxus giganticus. ROFLMAO!

    Need more Tankenborough Planet Kemp Tank!

    Like

    1. DrFerd says:

      First comment on the blog Czech! Whoop.

      Like

  2. mjm68 says:

    Outstanding report as always.

    Like

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