Therapy

Here at the scene, the carnage is indescribable. Burning carcasses, spent ammo, oil sludge, wrecked and twisted track links, just raw devastation throughout the campsite from one end to the other. The community is shocked and the outrage is palpable, at least over in-game chat. Who would commit a heinous crime of such historically accurate proportions? Who would run off into the night of reset camo like a COWARD! I’ll tell you who! It may be comfortable back there in the main studio, but out here on Vineyards we have a psychotic serial killer on the loose. Nothing short of a deranged lunatic. He needs to be hunted down like the animal he is and exterminated. But where is he? He could be ANYWHERE by now! There’s still three minutes to go and the TD just started capping! Why don’t you just put up a neon sign that yells “FREE EXP NUBTIE AT FLAG” as well? Canvasing the folks that have stuck around, it’s pretty clear people are frightened. Scared of the world we now live in where such an act can happen, any day, any week. Who’s the next victim? No-one knows when the bore-sight is trained on them. And we don’t even really know what this guy looks like, no-one got a look at his number, and even if the victims saw his face, dead rage-quitters tell no tales. This grainy screenshot is the best we can do, which only shows the very rear of the vehicle as it fled the crime scene, disappearing over the crest of that ridge to our immediate right. The first responders have tentatively classified it as “Soviet, medium”, but they have been very circumspect in reaching conclusions with the Chinese ripoffs lurking in-game. We have no more credible information at this time, we are just have to wait this one out and hope for a cap win.  [audible sigh]  Oh, no, it just got reset. Back to you Central Studio, this is going to get gristly … beep …

… [Sullen studio host] Thank you again to our courageous live reporter HighGroundMatters, going above and beyond to bring you the news as it happens, where it happens, even shocking crimes of brutality such as we have just witnessed. [producers voice in background: good transition, switch gears now] It’s at times like this that we need to reflect and understand the importance all coming together to heal our garage. We are very honored to today to interview the renowned WOT phycologist for our BlitzWeather update, Professor Rus Churchill 3rd, the most respected voice in addressing battlefield depression. Professor Churchill rose from a trying and difficult childhood, sold by his own government to a temporary ally [Not even sold! He was loaned!], young Churchill plodded his way through the early ’40’s. He performed menial tasks for his new overlord, being used to plug gaps until newer, dramatically faster and vastly more popular models became available. Not surprisingly, young Rus felt undervalued and sunk into the “mobile pillbox” mindset that served to bounce off so many slights and attacks. But continue plodding bravely he did and with the 5th Guards Tank Army, his service culminated in the glories of Prokhorovka and Kharkov. [Hit them with the gravitas] After the hostilities ceased Churchill 3rd leveraged his personal experiences in his post-graduate studies, publishing his ground breaking dissertation “Soviet envy in the era of Russian bias: combatting historical revisionism in postmoderm digital confrontation”. He became an overnight superstar of the Blitz psychology community, in demand from the losers of Clan Wars on every server. But he wisely remained aloof from the easy money of betray and backstabbing, seeking instead the solitude and academic study of individual nutcases. [“case studies” could have been better] Professor Churchill gained additional notoriety when his attempt to use an alternate account personality to break into the notoriously secretive “Addicted to WOT Blitz Support Group” network failed. His claims that the infiltration was intended for “research purposes” has been questioned by several other prominent Blitz psychologists. [OK, we have him on the line, get Prof on channel] All controversy aside, Churchill has built a stellar reputation for dissecting the mind of the Blitz player-base, delving into the inner psyche of each and every stereotype by immersing himself in the game. Professor Churchill, welcome to BlitzTV, what does the weather look like out there? … beep … a … beep … beep …

… Thank you for calling the office of Professor Churchill. He is unavailable at this time. To reschedule you weekly therapy appointment, press 1. To complain about OP IS-series tanks, press 2. To submit iTunes cards toward your accrued bill, press 3. To enquire about availability of residency in the “Premium Time Addiction” rehab program, press 4 … beep …

…  Well viewers, it seems as if we don’t yet have the Professor on the line [keep stalling, I’ll try his IGN], we may have had a minor miscommunication, thank you for being patient [got it!]. OK, we have been able to reach out to Churchill directly in-game, I hope we won’t be disturbing his research. PsycoKiller_54, are you there? … beep …

… [silence] … beep

… [I’ll try some of his multiple personality accounts]

Calling MansonTanker, are you there? [nope].

LeeHarveyOtsu, come in LHO? [nope]

What about MATRIXlobbyGuy, are you in-game Matrix? [nope]

[OK, last chance, lets FaceTime his laptop, in his last lecture he mentioned experimental analysis of the KBM player … there he is, on his couch!]. Professor Churchill, I’m glad we could finally get in touch with you, you’re obviously very busy with your research. Do you have a moment to discuss the current state of play? We are all eagerly awaiting your insights! [What’s he doing?] Ah, Professor? [Is he groaning?] Churchill? [And rocking? In the fetal position?] I’m sorry for the delay viewers, Professor Churchill is obviously engrossed in a case study right now, modeling some kind of player behavior perhaps [He’s sucking his thumb!]. It looks as if we will have to interview Churchill another time. It does seem as if he has been playing Blitz recently [It sounds like “Kenny. They killed Kenny” over and over]. We will have to run the BlitzWeather report from the main studio while we await a better time to consult the Professor:

Seasonal affective disorder and widespread depression has hit servers hard. Competency ratings have fallen, unfortunately, to the expected seasonal lows. No, dear casual player, solo charging the cap circle every game IS NOT a viable strategy. To the hardened veteran, we suggest … we suggest … ah, forget it. There’s nothing you can do about it. Just play something fun and forget about grinding anything till the New Year. And in more bad news just in: the wait list for an appointment with Professor Churchill has ballooned to 6-months. 

 

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