Hacker Scandal

Welcome back to the central garage studio on BlitzTV, bringing you the REAL inside stories on Blitz [producers voice: work it work it], where they happen, as they happen. We are here today to shine a great big M60 searchlight on the horrifying, shocking, disgusting tales of corruption, greed and big business gouging. So shocking in fact, that we have brought in our Chief Scandal Officer, TinfoilMafia to unravel the deep web of malpractice we have discovered in our investigation. [camera 2, now!]

[Hit it Tinfoil] Thank you DrFerd. Yes indeed viewers, this moment, this dark sombre scandal goes deep, deep to the core of our free game, shaking the foundations of belief in our founding principles that “all reds are created free (to explode)“. In one way or another, we all came here through this one little word. “Free”. A word filled with such promise, yet such callous deceit. [perfect] You could have been fooled into believing that by now the Blitz playing public have been able to read between the lines of the Halloween grinds, connect the dots between the Pz II J’s tier I gun and the cost of its pramo, look past the artwork of anime tanks to their credit-coefficients, and question the value of 6000 credit repainting jobs for camo on a heavy tank. But, sadly …  it appears that it takes shocks of the magnitude we have witnessed today to prize the smoking burning wreckage of a BT-7 arty out of their hands and shake them into understanding. [back to camera 1!]

Bringing the most important Blitz news to you live and uninterrupted! We will return after a short word from one of our sponsors….

… Do you always seem to be the last tank alone agains 5 reds? Do your green mediums either drive in circles, run into buildings, or attempt to cap in the first 30 seconds? Ever wonder why it’s the green top tier heavy tank that drowns? You need “tanker” the dating app that gets you toons whatever battle you’re in, whatever map you are headed to. Here are some of our satisfied customers: “With tanker, I’ve got great toonage. I never tank alone”. “I tried “Platoon Finder, beta” but it was like, lame. Now with tanker app, I’m always orange”. “That stupid platoon indicator light is still soon™. I’ve given up asking. Now I tanker“. tanker, the app that brings interested armored warfare enthusiasts together for mutually beneficial cooperation. Exclusive to the BlitzTV store, online! …

[in backgound:  … anyway, “Go Bridge idiot” is what they said. It was over in 3 minutes. These teams man. Reds had a Borsig. Oh wait … You’re up Ferd in 3,2,1 … ]

And we would like to thank ALL of our sponsors here at BlitzTV, without whom the channel would soon flail its way toward enthusiasm deficiency. Tinfoil, how did todays scandal break? [Camera 2! Pan left then crop to a head shot. Center on the mustache]

What we know at this time is still clouded in mystery. Sometime this morning the first of the supposed emails were released by Tankileaks. They won’t reveal their source of course, but consensus has it that these go all the way to the top. [What a handlebar! Camera 1]

Can you elaborate on that? It’s a serous claim! You surely couldn’t mean Minsk itself? What proof is there? [Camera 2, stay on the ‘stache]

Yes, yes it does. ALL the way. By the middle of the afternoon the dump included over 15,456 emails. Names and identities have been redacted in many cases, but just take a look at this chain [Put it on screen. Camera 1]

Next bundle. Is when?

-V

The Pz.Kpfw.IV runs for 5 more days. But we just dropped the Winter Fair news and promo.

-CC

I [emoji heart] StarWars

-V

We are not allowed to call it that.

-CC

Another grind good. How much cost auction ticket?

-V

125 gold or 3,125 free exp. A standard chest is 2 tickets and a legendary is 6

-CC

Have you seen backpack? I lost in NY subway.

-V

[long pause]

Shocking. Absolutely shocking exchange. Has there been any response so far from WG, Tinfoil? These messages are damming to say the least. They can’t be very pleased that hackers got into their system. [Camera 2. Flex left to get more of the sideburns in shot]

WG have been officially quiet on the scandal, but the word from one of our inside sources suggests that leak arose after the CEO was duped by a classic Nigerian email scam and gave up his IGN and account password. No money transfers have been confirmed mind you, but a large Belorussian super yacht called “Premium Time” was mysteriously donated several months ago and is now registered to a certain “Mr Idrivei Heatspamo” of “Lagos 24/7 WebCafe”, Nigeria. The ship itself is currently moored in one of the poorer neighborhoods along the Lagaos canal. [community reaction? Camera 1]

I snuck a couple games in my lunch break earlier, and it seems as if the playerbase is horrified at the revelations. Do you have any feeling for what the reaction will be? [Back on 2 as soon as Tinfoil straightens the hat]

Frankly, the community is outraged. So outraged that they took time out of their “Prison Break” training rooms to start threads of the forum. Here’s one, titled “Meh”, it garnered 12 pages of comments! [put them on screen, read some].

“Git gud”

“OP is nub”

“ur clan sux”

And these were just a few of the responses before the moderato-fascists stepped in and shut it down. Its pretty clear what the feeling of the community is. The frustration and outrage will only build as the grind gets underway. [Ok, lets wrap it up. WeatherReport intro on 1]

So viewers, you can see what a shocking day its been for the average Blitz tanker. Just when we though we could put our iPads on the charger to avoid the flood of holiday noobs in their arty derpcars, we get a grind event. Tinfoil, as the official BlitzTV Scandal Officer, would you please review the projected upcoming weather patterns? [start somber, lets split screen it]

Fellow Blitzers, we stand before you at the start of a perilous journey [blend in the violin music]. As the holiday season swings into high gear, so to does a new grind event [begin to ramp drama]. Of what does this portend in particular, I hear you ask?  There will be pain, of this we are certain. And suffering enough for all to share [dramatic, more dramatic!]. Gloomy will the weather be that shrouds our maps for the weeks ahead. Of wise counsel we have little to give. [lets go with a “striving against the tide” feel!But, as headwinds buffet your little inflatable dinghy you can rest assured that from the comfort of the captains ornate stateroom, the admirals of our disheveled navy will be hard at work, ever designing new paddles for your efforts [or a special one-time offer on a sail for $14.99]. Strive hard! Rest often! Share the experience with your waterlogged clanmates! Breath the salty air! Together we will reach the glorious shores of a “free” Tier 6 Swedish autoloader [or a useless crate of bait-and-switch trinkets!]. Good luck and good night.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Wendsleydaye Smythe III says:

    Disgusted. A scandal headline and not one single mention of politicians, custard in boots or nazi S&M parties. Can do better! Note to self: meds running out fast

    Like

    1. DrFerd says:

      Cheers! Yeah, I could tell my dose was running down fast, somewhere after the email chain. And I’m guessing you may get this reference: these are turning out a bit like episodes of The Goodies. What you end up with is nothing at all like where it starts.

      Like

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