Blitzomercial

Welcome back to the central garage studio for our weekly BlitzWeather report! This just in from our hidden camera investigation of the ABBAvagn grind:

[Cool spy music intro, and camera pan to the corner where sits the wreck of a Stridsvagn 74A2: “Duh, dun, dun, dun, dun, dah-dah … duh, dun, dun, dun, dun, dah-dah …”]

The Blitz Fair grind is over, and the best Swedish thing since IKEA, and the Muppet Chef is here in all its free glory!

giphy

[producers voice: Did you say free?]

Er, mostly free! Our man on the ground, ahem, who shall of course remain anonymous for national security reasons [of course], claims that he got into WG HQ without being detected. We were able to confirm from his hidden video footage that he very cunningly bribed the outermost security picket with a potato, then infiltrated the faculty under the guise of a UN weapons inspector. After demanding a closed door meeting with the Blitz “Developers“, he roundly scolded them for two hours on the proliferation of anime tanks, flatness of reworked maps, and the historical inaccuracies in the OP-ness of Russian mediums. Apparently they only escaped from his rabid-mouth-frothing tongue-lashing when they promised to supertest high tier rebalancing. Our intrepid agent then talked his way into the garage holding the 74A2 stating that it wasn’t a “fully-verified weapons platform and needed to be inspected to avert looming UN sanctions”. Unfortunately the details of the heist get a little more difficult to confirm after this point [you mean “sketchy”], where, according to the agent in question he:

” … stole the prototype blueprints of the Halloween 2017 grind tank, took the office corgi ransom as a “canine shield”, jumped into the Stridsvagn and emptied “a full clip” into a “ridiculous looking” Mecha Phoenix 0-47 before ramming it to death … “

[aaaannnnnnnd here’s where it gets a little more outlandish] According to our source, he then …

“… smashed through a garage wall, flattened Victors “Thursday” Ferrari F12 Berlinetta (supposedly as payback for the Jadgtiger8,8 nerf), and drove all the way to the Polish border on the E30, crushing the vehicles attempting to apprehend him from various government departments including the Ministry of Internal Affairs, Migration and Citizenship, and Road Safety…”

[or, alternatively, perhaps our agent just coughed up the final 120 gold to bribe the garage security detail and drove off quietly into the dark?]

While these reports may be a little, shall we say, embellished, the fact is our undercover agent delivered a brand new ABBAvagn my garage! [ … um, its a burnt out wreck ... ]. Ok, he HAD a brand new Stridsvagn delivered. What happened to it? The shocking truth in Part 2 of our exclusive undercover report next, after this quick word from one of our sponsors ….


[ …catchy car commercial jingle …]

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nuber3With nUBER! you can get driven up the wall anywhere, anytime! It’s the easiest way around (to make you quit-rage). Economy Tier III nubties, to premium clueless M60 lottery winners! Everyone is a winner with nUBER!

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But wait! That’s not all! Listen to what some of our satisfied beta-testers have to say about nUBER!

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Before nUBER! I had to aim really carefully if I wanted to drive into a rock and get stuck. Now, I just hit “nUBER!” and boom! All the help I need is right there. I never could have got wedged here without nUBER!
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Got unexplored terrain? Hit nUBER! and help is on the way. It leaves you free to concentrate on other things, like the enemy, resetting camo, the cap count, ammo selection, target prioritization, hp-conservation, and unspotted TDs. Never worry about it again with nUBER!

But that’s STILL NOT ALL! Here’s what some of our “A-list forum celebrities” have to say about nUBER!

“Needs more horse ” – Bronyman49

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– RenamedUser_423687064

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[Back to Part 2 of our hard hitting undercover report]

[background violin please] The Stridsvagn was just so beautiful, I had to drive it [soft light! blur edges of shot!]. I knew teams were bad, but I couldn’t resist, my first mistake [was it ever]. Low tier, Oasis Palms, team scatters like squirrels, she didn’t stand a chance. Back in the garage, I knew she deserved better, so I hit “nUBER!” again [bad call], hoping beyond hope for some green competency. Fort Despair and the team rushes the courtyard. She’s going as fast and smooth as a reconditioned Volvo, but just can’t stop the lemming rush [No!]. One clip, another, and another and she’s got 4 kills. But all the greens are dead [Uh oh]. And they left a full health TOGII sitting in the middle. A TOG! He knows where I am and we circle a building [I can’t listen]. I get a couple clips into him, but he hits back hard and the reload is so rough. So we bail out, young Strids and I, as “fast” as we can past the “courtyard spotters berms”. Planning on chipping away at HMS-TOG from a distance seems workable [Yep]. But the devious TOGgy has other plans and slots a dagger down an alley and between her shoulder blades [Noooooooo]. Ugh, nUBER! again. Nailed by a TOGII [Got a tissue? I think I’m getting a cold]. So here she sits, awaiting a rebuild, repaint and calmer times. [Wrap it up… /snivels]

 

This weeks BlitzWeather Report:

The 90-days of noobs starts at Thanksgiving.

So, yeah. It ain’t over because:

Math.

 

nUBER! (It can’t be uninstalled for a while yet)

 

 

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