Artyparty

[David Tankenborough narration] Peeking out from his secluded corner, the miniature Godzilla awaits. Knowing full well that an overeager rush to capture the base has been signaled by each and every “player_xxxxxxxxxx” account on the red team, all four of them, he knows that his breakfast will likely arrive without delay. Complete with binocs, Verdun forest camo, a camo net and level 6 crew skill camouflage the apex predator Keniotsu dpmosaurus is a tiny, yet fearsome, invisible dragon of pain. Quietly, so quietly and still he waits, ignoring the inexperienced green team mate rushing the heavy route alone and irrationally yelling for back up. This dpmosaurus is counting on a sweep of excitable BT-7 arty’s to flood the flag area. Duly they appear, emboldened by a seeming strength in numbers they seethe into the circle, waving their stubbly cannons threateningly in all directions. Precocious perhaps, but Yoloderpet minimus does not hold the fear-factor of his Tier VI relative, the gargantuan Derpus maximus. The ambusher remains unperturbed by the display of preening, understanding that all it does is enlarge their aiming reticles to include the surrounding zip-codes. The Keniotsu unleashes an unsympathetic volley of retribution:  “pop, pop, pop, pop, [3 second pause], pop, pop, pop, pop, [3 second pause], pop, pop, pop, pop, [3 second pause]” etcetera, as always. Within a few short moments all that remains of the inexperienced prey are four burning carcasses. Such is the short lifespan of many a Yoloderpet. Hatched suddenly in the corner of the garage, their first forays into the wide world are marked with the fire and desolation that accompanies any newcomer. Bewilderment and rage follow, but the path of survival and prosperity has a steep grade indeed. The Keniotsu grins evilly, punches engine boost and departs to re-introduce the surviving red hatchlings back to their natural habitat. Yet the dpmosaurus concedes he’s been fortunate in a way, as his great rival for arty-flesh finally lumbers into the cap circle. But on this day, on this field, the Brickocalypse impenetror will go hungry as there’s nothing left to pick over but dried and bleached bones. He establishes his fortress of futility amongst the wreckage, but no prey ever comes…

… beep … a … beep … beep … We interrupt todays episode of “Planet Kamp Tank” to bring you the BlitzWeather report!

 

nUBER! category 4 storm conditions continue, with a gale-of-cluelessness battering all high tiers, particularly those with high-value premium tanks available to purchase with Christmas iTunes gift cards. In the spirt of the holiday season, BlitzTV suggests undertaking some charitable Blitzing as a way of giving back the community. The management* recommends grabbing a platoon mate and “educating” as many hatchlings as possible, as ruthlessly as possible. After receiving said education, it is hoped that numerous nooblings might be discouraged from prioritizing further participation.

You’re welcome. 

 

*BlitzTV reserves the right to neither confirm nor deny that residual antagonism over not receiving the M60 may contribute to this recommendation.

One Comment Add yours

  1. CzechCongo says:

    “Complete with binocs, Verdun forest camo, a camo net and level 6 crew skill camouflage the apex predator Keniotsu dpmosaurus is a tiny, yet fearsome, invisible dragon of pain.”

    Priceless.

    Like

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