Welcome tankers back to the central BlitzTV studio here in the corner of the garage! Before we get to this weeks BlitzWeather forecast, here is a sneak preview of our exciting new reality show premiering this Spring! “BURNOUT!” follows the fortunes of eight aspiring tank commanders, locked up together in the Big Blitz House for two weeks, as they weave a path through the entanglements, exhilaration, sunny heights and dark depressing low(e)s of the totally fabricated and superfluous New Year grind!
[Super, like really super, exciting intro music featuring a rocking guitar riff, head banging drums and exploding armored vehicle audio nuggets, much like DrFerd’s surprisingly underutilized ringtones for iOS and Android now available as a free download and cleared for distribution by none other than the incomparable NA forum maven CC_Sly himself!!!!]
Playah_boss-sniper99: “You goons are toast. I’m grinding out the 112 and gonna reck ya”
monstaHESHkid: “That’s wot u said last time loser. Git gud”
Playah_boss-sniper99: “u want HESH? Here some HESH for your heinie. HAH. 560 hp!”
54OP-nyet: “U still here? Say hi to garage”
Playah_boss-sniper99: “noooooooo! I’m sick of u ruskies and ur RNG. Hurry up and finish it, I want my tank back”
54OP-nyet: “go du tier 5 missions skrub. Im badass tank gangsta”
54OP-nyet’s Mother: “Shaun William James III! Give me that phone! I said you were not allowed on there till your homework was done [fades to background over the course of the rest of the preview] Bill! He was on that stupid war game again! All he DOES is play that thing! He’s been so angry lately too. Useless waste of time if you ask me. And he’s not getting another iTunes card for his birthday either. He should go and get a job! That’s right, I’m calling your brother right now and he can go learn about how hard earned money is made! NO, I don’t care if he’s got to shovel chicken poop out of the sheds all summer, that’s what everyone else in the family had to start! Enough is enough……”
54OP-nyet: “Awwww Mooooom! I gotta finish this game, just one more, I just need one more mission! MOOOOOOOMMMMMMM! How did you even get in here?”
Shelly_HEATer: “hahaha 54. Mommas boy”
monstaHESHkid: “Another loser team. Five in a row”
GRINDchimp999: [drooling sounds] “muh… muh… muh tank …”
on_TILT_rage: “FACE. SHUT. IT”
GRINDchimp999: “lost 12 games, but I got my mission finished! Only 56 thousand dragons teeth to go!”
on_TILT_rage: “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID MISSIONS. GET OUT OF THE WAY I’M BUSTING OUTTA HERE” /destroys kitchen chair, builds grappling hook, scales 20 foot compound wall and evicts self from “BURNOUT!”
Stubborn_ASSASIN: “Gonna finish. Gonna finish. Gonna finish this grind!”
GRINDchimp999: “Ugh. I’m going to have to gold the last stage”
Stubborn_ASSASIN: “No way. Gonna make it. Gonna make it!”
[Epic closing riff and fistfight in the Big Blitz House living room]
Well viewers, it’s the Blitz reality show with everything! Rage, frustration, iPad throwing, 44%-nUBER’s, brain melting stupidity, outrageous mission resets, its all here on BlitzTV’s WR-breaking new reality show “BURNOUT!” Catch the first episode this weekend, and back for more next week when on_TILT_rage is caught tunneling back into the Big Blitz house, wearing a tinfoil hat and monologuing rabidly that the “MM ALGORITHM CONSPIRACY IS ABOUT THE GOLD ECONOMY!!!”
This weeks BlitzWeather Report:
Unpredictable weather conditions exist. Tank with extreme caution. NA server forecast is for extremely volatile battlefields with some sessions of moderately intelligent teams, disrupted randomly by the most mind-numbingly moronic behavior known to Blitzers. JPE100’s hill sitting and doing 0 damage? Check. Waffletracktor’s charging the front line? Check. Churchill GC on a tourist drive through a river? Check. Listen, you know it bad when you start to see Panther/M10’s showing up regularly in the line-ups. BlitzTV offers the following advice, free of charge: Take a good hard look at the freebie tanks on offer, realize that it’s all probably just not worth it and resolve to go think positive happy thoughts about picking up some stage bonuses along the way. Stay sane, and tank responsibly!
Edit: Annnnnnd a late breaking 3x noobweekend thrown into the mix. Ouch.