Tick, tock, tick …

/Unshaven and disheveled Blitz News anchor, waving away smoke and burning papers from singed desk.

Welcome … cough … back to the … gasp … main studio here on BlitzTV … takes long breath from oxygen mask … And what a couple of … hacking cough … weeks its been out there on the … gasps oxygen … battlefields!

… [Producers voice: Emergency generator, now! Clear the air in here fast!] …


Screen Shot 2017-02-09 at 3.28.46 PM 2.png

A State of Blitz Emergency has been declared across all servers … extinguishes spot fire flare up on tie

… [not too negative now!] …


… [stay positive, toothier smile please!]… 

/pauses to gather composure and apply smile “No.7”

Commanders … ahem … due to the … air quotation marks … challenging current situation …




Cough, throat clearance … and the wreckage you see before you in the central garage studio …

… [extinguisher to bay 11 please, the KV-1s is on fire again] …

We regret to inform our … tuberculosis-grade coughing fit

… [hold it together, hold it together!] …

loyal viewership that …. that …

… [Tell them, tell them now!] …

That … gaaaaassssspppp … thaaaaaaaatttttt … reaches for oxygen

/collapses on desk with audible death rattle.

/static followed by test pattern



/Coverage eventually flickers back on, coming into focus on the overall wearing BlitzTV studio assistant Janitor, who everyone calls “Bill”, even though is real name is Shaun William James III and who would really have made an otherwise very successful go of life if he had concentrated more on his education instead of his T-54 stats.

Um, yo, er tankers. They want me to give the BlitzWeather report, coz they says I know all about playing and these grind events, and anyways, no-one else is here anymore. They all went home. Except that guy in the suit, they took him away in the ambulance. I used to tank all the time. It was gr8, but you know, I learned lots of stuff, but not stuff, like will get you to college and stuff. Anyhow, I stopped for a bit, not just coz Mom took the iPad away, but you know, these grind things are just so stoopid. Everyone wants the free tank. But math stops them every time. Even when they grind and grind and grind. You know. Math. I don’t have any gold left to finish it anyways. It says theres 2 days left. If it woz 4 you’d probably make it. But nah, just 2, so you won’t. But they all out there anyway, driving around in circles and getting stuck on rocks. So stoopids. Im not gonna tank till its over. Ive got to finish hosing off all the wrecked tanks in the Tier 7 wing anyways. They said to say you shouldn’t tank for a couple days too.  Thats it, thats wot they said. Bye.

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