G’day Tankers and welcome back to the shiny new, completely rebuilt, re-engineered from the ground up, so clean you could eat your breakfast off it [Producers voice: “Don’t get too carried away“] BlitzTV Central Garage and Main Studio!!!! But that’s not all, as they say in the classic infomercials of yore, wait till you see what we have added out the back! [Dramatic drumroll for the big unveiling….]
Dear loyal BlitzWeather viewers, Ladies and Gentlemen, and Tanker Extraordinaire’s […not in that order…], here at BlitzTV we took a long hard look at ourselves after the disaster of the Chinese Armored Dim Sim Shark Fin Soup Celestial Event Grind of 2017 […Or whatever it actually was…] and decided to dream big dreams. We are done with late night production scrambling, tedious publishing deadlines, the relentless baying of our well meaning but perhaps a little impatient audience, the whim’s of our Blitz developer overlords, and the carnage that bleeds all over our stats with every single volume-based in-game event conceived in the dark of night in Minsk. No, ladies and gentlemen, we are finished with triviality. Finished with forum trolls […git gud!…]. Finished with looking after this demanding little corgi […He’s a happy chap though, loves his walks. Will you just make the announcement already?].
Announcing today, here at BlitzTV HQ, live and uninterrupted, the biggest news in Blitz since the addition of the platoon indicator marker! […soon™…], that’s right folks, cast your eyes to the far back wall of the garage!!! […cue camera 15, drop the main desk lights, floodlight the curtain, and ….. draw it!!!!!!!]
Tankers one and all, we give you the worlds first, immersive and educational, fully air conditioned, BLITZ MUSEUM and THEME PARK!!!!!!!! Take a step inside our pavilions and witness pixel tank history unfold before your very thumbs. Roll with the giants of our game […virtually…] as they expunge tanks unlucky to not be Russian enough from high tiers. Relive the glory of your newb-era and scratch your head in bewilderment along with 100-gamers trying to capture the flag in the first minute of the match! Watch and laugh in #MuteTheDead silence as they refuse all helpful instruction! Visit the “special” wing of Fort Despair prepared for the inevitable future grinds! […padded walls…] Our park has it all! […switching to rolling track camera 7, start the tour…]
We are going to introduce our very unique park in the weeks ahead! Today were have just a quick glimpse of what’s inside. Follow us as we take in our first exhibit, THE HALL OF KNOWLEDGE! Part library, part sharing of common experiences, part learning from ones own mistakes, the Hall is a collection of all that has gone before in Blitz! Take a look around the walls of the Hall, and you will see mass of collective wisdom: the forum guides, the content creator videos, the offers of one-on-one platoon instruction, the knowledgeable clan mates! […wonderful resources one and all. Tell them about the theme ride…]. Now imagine a Blitz world, dear viewers, where 95% of the player base doesn’t give a hoot about any and all of the above!!! That’s right tankers, and now we can see the amusement ride build into the Hall! […get on board, this train is leaving!] Buckle up, safety first!
/clack clack clack of ride escalating to the top of the Hall of Knowledge
Annnnnd up we go! Please keep you arms in the carriages at all times and note that food and drinks are only allowed for the purposes of throwing in the direction of clueless game-ruining skrubs. […Wheeeeheeeee. Love this ride…] Here’s our first exhibit! The AFK harvester of doom! Note that these players have probably never looked at the mini-map, generally don’t understand the sound indicating a spotted red tank, and are oblivious to the calls for help from the rest of their team about to be swarmed by the rampaging red hordes at the waterfall. But nooooo, “Must harvest!” is about the only thought that enters their minds.
Sweeping into the second room, you can see a static diorama display depicting the tragedy of misplaced trust. This scene, so lifelike in reality, plays out day after day after day, and yet is so humorously pathetic all you can do is laugh. One clueless skrub [..got him with my coke!…] heads down the corridor of fools, and the next follows. And the next. And the next. And so on and so forth, until the full lemming train of nub is conceived and birthed into a fruitless attempt at the flag.
Picking up speed now, we sweep into the cap circle itself! This high def video sequence shows you one of the most recalcitrant visitors to the Hall of Knowledge. He enters over and over again, but doesn’t adsorb any of the hard-earned lessons of his forbears. Moving to the circle at the outset of the game, there he sits. And sits. And sits. Until the six members of his team capable of working their guns have dispatched the enemy, or his determined cap-point-accumulation exercise brings fruition! Yes, his wishes have come true! Here comes a Luchs! Cute but very deadly, the Luchs’ driver can count to 100 and is making a determined effort to prevent it happening. And who’s that crying for help […so ronrey…], now that he’s all alone up there? […so ronrey.…] OH MY GOSH DID YOU SEE THAT HE MANAGED TO NAIL HIM […so ronrey all on my own. Wait! What?…]
/audible groans from attraction ride train carriages
And with that, Exhibit A continues to wear his badge of ineptness with pride and smugly crams another leather-bound volume into his private alternate “Hall of Knowledge”, next to his 43% WR, somewhere in the basement.
/skidding sound as the ride slams to a halt
Who didn’t fasten their seat belt as instructed? […owwww!…] That’s right, just as it looks, here is the throne room of the YOLO-Kings! You can find these anywhere, but to see these in the wild you really need to be watching out for those pesky light tanks […ahem, Drac…] or anything with high power-to-weight. But mostly its about lack of mature cognitive ability to recognize danger [...or that “Dinner” just got called and “Rambo-mode” is the only way to win in a hurry…]
Of course, no-one around here has ever done anything like that […ahem…], so we will start up again and move to our final scene.
Yes, in this final room of the ride is another sad, emotive display. The draft script for this work was titled “Frontal armor and angling techniques using hard cover and leveraging damage-per-shot advantages to successfully complete end-of-game clutch scenarios.” But the BlitzTV Artistic Review Board overruled the design and implemented the spectacular interpretive dance “COD-#fail”. Accompanied by a dramatic orchestral score, it is a portrayal of innocence and near heartbreak. Our hero identifies the mortally wounded red tank, and assaults with gusto! Throwing all advantages to the wind, like the chivalrous fictional knights of old, our noble warrior threatens the feeble enemy with his exposed posterior armor. A couple missed shots, a couple obstacles run into whilst looking backwards, and the virtually expired red has a very real chance of pulling off a wildly outrageous victory. But alas for sanity, and hooray for noobery, our erstwhile medium vanquishes his foe! Oh the indignity of incompetence!
/clack clack clack as the ride reenters the station
Thank you one and all for visiting this dual-use Hall! May the wise among you read/view/share of the information herein, and the unwise continue to provide amusement and entertainment […but be on red please…]
The seasonally difficult and unpredictable conditions that have existed over the past few days look to continue for around another week at a minimum. The seemingly ritualistic introduction of additional and unnecessary currencies into the game client tied to volume-based events apparently brings every available starchy root vegetable with opposable thumbs into battle. Be kind to them, they know not what they do […or don’t do…]. MM knows what they do. That’s why they appear to be on your team rather regularly. Your compulsion to rage at them has been auto-corrected by introduction of #MuteTheDead anyway.
/inserts quirky French saying generated via Google translate here.