Welcome back Tankers to the BlitzTV Central Studio, where a *somber atmosphere prevails, clouding our grand facility tour which has been postponed out of respect for todays shocking news [producers voice: … don’t sugar coat it, get on with it …]. We ask you all to join us in a moment of silence to honor those poor fellow tankers on Canal, all grievously wounded in todays tragic accident. While details remain scarce at this time, it appears that a terrible mix-up occurred, at the juxtaposition of unusual heights, self-aggrandizement, spontaneous over enthusiasm, and sheer event-driven cluelessness. The earliest eyewitness accounts from the scene suggest that the countdown to the match proceeded “normally” [… whatever that means …], with the regular amount of bickering, indecision and conflict over who is right and who is dead. What followed next is somewhat difficult to deconstruct into linear events. It seems at least that one Nashorn managed to negotiate the bridge at the north spawn without particular difficulty [… probably drove forward …], followed rapidly however by a flurry of unusual activity on the bridge itself and at the immediate southern end. It appears that at least one Soviet heavy tank elected to post up on the lip of the bridge ramp, then proceeded to slip or slide into the ravine. More or less simultaneously, two other Soviet vehicles in the middle of the bridge, both turretless TDs [… coincidence? I think NOT! …] began jostling for position above the stricken IS heavy tank. Witnesses then claim that, in distinct contrast to what is typically behind “accidents” between teammates on bridges [… I hate those guys …], the TDs appeared to each misjudge the edge of the bridge on their own, and failed to maintain safe driving distance from the precipice. Calls of “what are you fools doing” could not avert the disaster. Again, we would like to state clearly that no apparent malicious intent appeared to be exchanged between these team mates and that it seems a freak accident claimed these most unfortunate players. The impact of losing three tanks as effective fighting vehicles within the first 30 seconds of the game all but doomed greens to inglorious defeat [… even the Nash who so ably demonstrated his superior vehicle handling skills …]. While its probable that these players survived the accident to fight again [… unfortunately …] we have been unable to ascertain precicely what was going on upon the bridge itself. Our team of on-staff communication experts has yet to engage these individuals for comment [… BuffetSniperBob said he was still at lunch, HESH_choo said his allergies had flared up and he’s confined to the garage, and Type62_BOO claims he’s holding camo and not approaching these fools without a court order …], so it seems it may remain a mystery until the BlitzTV Gravity Impact Response Unit can perform a full investigation. Their first job will be a forensic dissection of the grainy CC TV images of the accident. While its admittedly not much to go on, it is hoped that these few scarce clues may shed some light on the types of players that populate the MM queue during grind events [… and 3x noobweekends …].
After a prolonged storm of several weeks, resulting in NoobSwamp quagmire conditions across all battlefields, the sweet sweet new day of spring sunshine is nearly upon us! That precious little counter in the top left of your garage has finally converted to Spend Gold Red™ [… SGR™ is a color pallet owned solely by WG and may not be used without connection to your linked iTunes account (or funding source equivalent) …], signaling the looming end of the current brutal grind event!
Here at BlitzTV we are getting ready to end our event-long KV-2 derpfest of retribution [… carried out with somewhat mixed success, we admit …] and jump back into regular game play. We anticipate a return to typical playerbase conditions [… whatever that means …] within a day or so of the SGR counter running out. At that time, we may predict with some confidence that some relief from the storm surge of fools seeking free stuff and exp grind short cuts will finally be in effect in the general MM pool and that [… Errr. Have you checked your garage this morning? …]
/awkward and extended pause not alleviated by emotionally soaring background music
*While likely unbeknownst to most of our viewing audience, one of the great satirists of our age ran of premium time this week, so to speak. Here at BlitzTV we have come to remember and realize what an influence John Clarke may, or may not have, had on our emerging but weird sense of humor during our formative years. Next week in tribute we will hopefully be able to find and publish the interview we had with his Blitz playing persona, JohnClarke_unconquerable