Once Upon A Time, our glorious Minsk overlords pronounced a “skill based” challenge for the populace, wherein those mighty enough to prevail in combat would proceed forth to the glory of a top 1000 leaderboard. Dangled before the baying crowd was a tier IX heavy tank, the quite possibly very ordinary but awesome looking KpfPz 70. But that was not all, brave comrade, NYET! There was also the absurdity of the “Death-From-Above-T49a-PC-Master-Race” container mayhem. Welcome to Blitz, dear desperately-seeking-free-tank-noob….
Who would step forward and slay the sigil beast? Would it be the glorious purple unicorns with their fast-twitch fury and pointy helmets? Would it be the analytical math-nerds tweaking the tier multipliers for maximum harvest? Who could possibly save us from the unmitigated disaster of yellow tracers arcing cross the sky? (step forward, young hero “Same Control Mode” toggle!).
Two brave wannabe purples stood up amongst the crowd, and with a loud voice proclaimed “We shall slayeth the beast!”
Ride to battle in their mobile high-dpm warhorses did they, and lay waste did they to many many many many high-hitpoint containing heavy tanks with merciless slaughter. Cast into the abyss were the enemy! Relentless! Unstoppable! As of knights of old! To the top of the sigil pile they marched, the wailing of their crushed enemies beneath their feet!
But something was amiss, dear reader, something curiously suspicious? Say it isn’t so, Sir Allen! Oh no, Sir Josh, what meaneth this:
What means the curiosity of a fail-toon in a damage competition? Why doth thou see a fail-toon on each team? Why would those who observeth such a battle notice that one fail-toon reveled in glorious afk-hood until death, whilst the red fail-toon proceedeth directly to them and harvested their health with prolific efficiency?
Just who were these unfortunate souls? Valiant though they were, they were just no match for the ultimate skill on display from Brave Brave Sir Allen and Sir Josh. Oh, no wonder, poor 3696456 didn’t stand a chance. He had prevailed not once in the preceding 30 days, doing only an average damage of 125, even though fighting courageously onwards at high tiers.
As difficult as recent times have been for 3696456, we shall pause here for a moment of silence for his clan brotherhood, many of who appear to suffer the same harsh reality that is prolonged vodka-drunk MM. Life can be so cruel, especially for the anonymous. Suffer in silence they must. We salute thee! o7
Meanwhile, our all conquering heros continued their swath of destruction, onwards, upwards, towardeth a KpfPz 70 with SIX UNLOCKED EQUIPMENT SLOTS!!!!
But the watching audience was growing restive. Were our heroes in danger? Would the coldeth hard hand of the EULA law striketh them down in vengeance and fury?
Our Minsk overlords were watching, waiting to abuse their unlimited power and unusual sense of justice!
Safe! Our heroes were safe from unjust smears and accusations! Formerers begone with your false sense of influence and self-righteous vainglory! Onwards!!!! After only a few remaining days of tireless effort, the steeple-tower bells tolled for the final time, and our heroes rode forth in majesty, forever enshrined in our hearts!
But what of our anti-hero, the most unfortunate 3696456? All is not lost, as a most unexpected participation trophy descended from on high into his garage “Storage” for his utterly courageous 11,411th placing.
But, the restive horde were still not satisfied. Some doubted. DOUBTED our valiant heroes! What shameful creature could do thusly? Challenged in a most cowardly fashion, our brave knights were forced to defend their very reputations! Oh the indignity!
And so, Sir Josh the Inexorable lowered himself thusly to the level of mere mortals to assuage any innuendo of impropriety. Defend his valor and reputation did he, with the brilliantly logical rebuttal and debate we all expected from our valorous hero.
And with that, the eloquent and poetic tale of Brave Brave Sir Allen and Sir Josh closes. Forever heroes and deserving of marble monuments and an angelic chorus of adulation!
… or does it …
Two days post-delivery of award tank and neither of our heroes have yet sallied forth.
What new manner of devilry is this?
Couple weeks later …..
Our heroes have survived permabans, but curiously, have not played any KpfPz 70 games either ….
NEWS FLASH: thou shalt not be jealous!
FINAL UPDATE (… or is it???)
ALL HAIL YE OUTRAGEOUSLY BRAVE CONQUERING HEROS OF OLDE, UNDAUNTED IN THINE QUEST FOR MTB GLORY (JUST DELAYED SOMEWHAT BY THE SCARCITY OF SPARE PARTS!!!!).
THREE CHEERS, HOORAY AND HUZZAH!!!