Cat-5 NoobHammer Vortex

Welcome back to the BlitzTV Studio here in empty corner of the post-3.8 garage, where we have a special BlitzWeather Report Warning to be issued! We’ll be right up with that, soon after this quick word from one of the major sponsors of Blitzers everywhere! …

[PSA emotionally thematic music]

Do you have difficulty avoiding stationary objects? Are you often left turret-spinning while being shot in the posterior? Are YOU cursed with perpetually terrible matchmaking in Blitz and in life? The good news is … THAT 43% WR is NOT YOUR FAULT!! With our new and improved Cranium Armor II™ Hi-Impact helmet, you will have all the protection in daily life you deserve! From NubSAFE, the same company that brought you the massively successful! You too can find your safe space! Only $174.99 while stocks last, but don’t delay, they are flying off the shelves like skeet shooting on Goldville!!

beep beep beep ….


[Awkward silence]


beep beep beep


… beep beep beep … come in …. BlitzTV studio … … urgent … major scoop … [static] … this is SuperSecretHQMole reporting in from Minsk … beep …


Wait just a minute folks, seems like our embedded informant at WG-HQ has an important update! Go ahead Mole! … beep

… Unbelievable! You just won’t fathom this story, Central Studio, it’s outrageous in scope and purpose … [static] … like nothing we have seen before … if you don’t count Frank, Drac, Kuro, Defender … beep …

What’s going on HQM, what have you learned from your investigation? … beep…

… It all started rather inconspicuously, as all these cases do! Some of the team members here said they couldn’t join the usual Wednesday afternoon poker game (Alexi from janitorial lost his yacht last week!). I didn’t think much of it at first, till I started up Blitz and glanced at the Training Rooms … beep …

What did you find Mole? … beep

… It was a pretty typical list really, “Runners and Rammers”, “Cap Circle Sumo”, “Tank Me Baby Love Baby”, or something weird like that, but the 5th one down was called “GitNoobsGud” … beep …

Typical stuff … beep

… Exactly, nothing much to suspect, until I joined the room and they let me in (management thinks my IGN is from the HR department, a couple ex-KGB colonels run it). It did seem a bit weird that the entire promotional team were in there: Goldmeup99, PramoHarder_unconquerable, EnrichedNub_007, Prem1UMtimE, Contain3R_Cazino, even the boss himself, BundL3man … beep …

The whole promo team? Their meetings are legendary! The inner workings of that shadowy group are completely unfathomable! What were they up to? … beep

… This is where it gets interesting. I was able to record much of their meeting! They communicate entirely by in-game global messaging, I guess that’s as secure a platform as any, seeing that not even WG ticket staff can track serial chat abusers … beep …

It certainly seems that way … beep

… Here’s the transcript, I think you will agree that it’s illuminating to say the least … beep …



BundL3man [POOTIN]: Is gud u here. Got Vodka?

PramoHarder_unconquerable [POOTIN]: Da. Is gud. Like nub gold.

EnrichedNub_007 [POOTIN]: What map for battle?

BundL3man [POOTIN]: Mines. All Noooobs love lighthouse. 

Goldmeup99 [POOTIN]: Problem is, not many noobs since last event

PramoHarder_unconquerable [POOTIN]: Hahahha! I take hill! U Nooobs!!! 

Goldmeup99 [POOTIN]: Have derp 4U

PramoHarder_unconquerable [POOTIN]: Aowwwww! U hax

Contain3R_Cazino [POOTIN]: Containerz is good 4 nubs too. Much gold spend.

BundL3man [POOTIN]: Is true. But need more spend. Always more.

Prem1UMtimE [POOTIN]: Dumb move make premium certificates. 

BundL3man [POOTIN]: Da. I send “3.HATER_Boss” to gulag for that one. 

Prem1UMtimE [POOTIN]: Nyet. You gave him promotion!

BundL3man [POOTIN]: Hahahah. Yes! He GENIUS!

BundL3man [POOTIN]: Ima cap out

EnrichedNub_007 [POOTIN]: lolz. Nuub move boss! No wonder u boss 

Contain3R_Cazino [POOTIN]: u guys like my new helmet?

Prem1UMtimE [POOTIN]: Im keeping first version. Head now molded to shape good. 

PramoHarder_unconquerable [POOTIN]: No-one like helmet reroll. So lame. 

BundL3man [POOTIN]: OK TEAM, FOCUS! We need idea fast. Accounting not happy … Cap count 60 already lol.!!! u so lost.

SuperSecretHQMole [HRWOT]: HR wants to know plan

BundL3man [POOTIN]: Yes Sir! Plan coming up fast, sir! Today for sure! 

Goldmeup99 [POOTIN]: new tennk always good plan. Ima outta vodka. Got more?

Prem1UMtimE [POOTIN]: Cap count 85. Have HE nub! hahahahah. Git gud nub!

BundL3man [POOTIN]: Moar fantasy tennk! Idea is boss! Lik me! Anyone play other tennk game?

Contain3R_Cazino [POOTIN]: WarMallet have plastic tennks. Me sniff paint a lot. Good times. Look this:


PramoHarder_unconquerable [POOTIN]: look bad mans tank! 

BundL3man [POOTIN]: Looks like almost real tennk! How bout take fantasy level higher?

Contain3R_Cazino [POOTIN]: One minute [long snorting sound] … lets call spade a shovel! lolx: 


EnrichedNub_007 [POOTIN]: Hey, good plan! Next make obscure and impossible grind!


BundL3man [POOTIN]: Is gud. Will get us more noobs 4 sho

Goldmeup99 [POOTIN]: Stop tracking me! Lucky skrub!! Hey, good idea! Lets give away!


BundL3man [POOTIN]: ROFL da ist gud! hahahha. And… ammo rack 4u clown

PramoHarder_unconquerable [POOTIN]: noooooooooooo! haxing scrublord stat monkey padderz

Goldmeup99 [POOTIN]: We win sukkaz! 

Prem1UMtimE [POOTIN]: Make sure lucky container go to most loyal

BundL3man [POOTIN]: bwahahahhahahahhahahahahahahhahahah

Contain3R_Cazino [POOTIN]: done


Goldmeup99 [POOTIN]: and this guy!!!



Prem1UMtimE [POOTIN]: this be gud, real gud! Now… what about the part we experts at? 

EnrichedNub_007 [POOTIN]: THE PROMO CAMPAIGN!!!! 

BundL3man [POOTIN]: The promo campaign. Now, the best nubs are flood of newbs, yes?

Contain3R_Cazino [POOTIN]: Just flood that container casino baby!! No big flood since superbowl. 

EnrichedNub_007 [POOTIN]: Patriots baby! 28-3!!

Prem1UMtimE:  [POOTIN]: bandwagon nub. U only have State TV like rest of us. u didnt watch

PramoHarder_unconquerable [POOTIN]: We need event theme, make that gold rain on down, like on canal but proper rain.

Goldmeup99 [POOTIN]: My heads foggy from celebratory spirit. Who got idea?

Prem1UMtimE [POOTIN]: “Be sunny good time play Blitz” ?

PramoHarder_unconquerable [POOTIN]: U noob

BundL3man [POOTIN]: That terrible. No more Google Translate OK?

SuperSecretHQMole [WOTHR]: U guys got plan yet? boss wants to know whether have something to bring gold noob

BundL3man [POOTIN]: WEATHER! Yes, Sir! We have plan, Sir! Fantasy tank bad weather vortex marketing genius plan, Sir!

Goldmeup99 [POOTIN]: BINGO. Its gonna be like….


Prem1UMtimE [POOTIN]: LolzThat nub-magnet 4 sure!

BundL3man [POOTIN]: That a wrap! Thanks SuperSecretHQMole. Say Hi to rasPutin1916.

Contain3R_Cazino [POOTIN]: Da. Tell him welcome to poker night once he earns his yacht upgrade. Hah. What a skrub

SuperSecretHQMole [WOTHR]: Who?

BundL3man [POOTIN]: Da boss. rasPutin.

SuperSecretHQMole [WOTHR]: Yeah, I mean, of course, The Ras, Yeah. Ill see him at the employee performance review meetings. Keep up the good work boys!

Prem1UMtimE [POOTIN]: Wait! You are from human resources, right?

SuperSecretHQMole [WOTHR]: Yeah, yeah. Keep up the great promo work guys. This ones gonna rock a noobflood of epic levels.

BundL3man [POOTIN]: HR here at HQ?

SuperSecretHQMole [WOTHR]: Sure sure

BundL3man [POOTIN]: OK comrade. Sound gud. Have a vodka? We start new game: Black GOLDville. Hahahahah

SuperSecretHQMole [WOTHR]: Sorry comrade, my job tell Viktor the big news. I go now.

BundL3man [POOTIN]: Be careful out there Mole. Bad conditions! Don’t get caught out! Hah.


… beep beep beep … Well Central Studio, there you have it, the first actual recording of the Blitz marketing team in their native environment! Damming deep undercover evidence that these vodka fueled drunken marketing geniuses seem to be behind many of the in-game events foisted on us long suffering tankers … beep …

Are these the same mindless bots that “improve” MM every now and again? … beep

… could be, could be, that’s yet to be determined … beep …

Well HQMole, you are a very valuable source for all our viewers and you’ve taken years to ingrain yourself with the Minsk natives. We applaud your tireless efforts to expose these promo-monkeys , but I believe I speak for our entire audience when I want to express caution about your status. We all know how dangerous our Blitz overlords can be! … beep

… Nothing to worry about Studio, I have the complete confidence of the regime. They claimed me as one of their own the moment I aced the SU-100Y by derping three cap monkeys on Ft Despair … beep …

Well that’s good …

beep … hang on, there’s someone at the door … beep …

… because the last thing anyone here would want is for you to get compromised by counter-Blitz intelligence (we know that’s an oxymoron), but you get the point …

… [static] … [sounds of struggle] … [extended static] …




Well viewers, after that dramatic, highly embarrassing exposé we seem to have encountered a minor technical glitch with our covert operative in Belarus. We’ll get back to him next time for further updates!



BlitzWeather Alert Warning!!


Category-5 NoobHammer Conditions in effect across all servers! Tank at your own risk! Partake in the ridiculous nub-grind if you must make the compulsive-addictive attempt at free stuff. But don’t blame the BlitzWeather Report for the rage quitting, screen-smashing, frustration you are bound to encounter because you didn’t listen to reason. If you DO self-identify as a compulsive 5-6 hour/day event grinder, here at BlitzTV we would like to offer you a great trade-in and upgrade deal with one of  our corporate sponsors for your gently-used protective head wear. Get the new, improved Cranium Armor II™ Hi-Impact helmet today (you’ll need it).


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s