KV-2 Guru Apologizes for Obliterating Enemy Team

ST. LOUIS, November 2nd, 2017 – Long time KV-2 driver DURP’emBurger_152_ suffered a momentary burst of empathy in-game last week, feeling briefly nauseated at the raw destruction downrange of his massive canon. “Usually I try to be behind hard cover and reloading as soon as the shot is off” he stuttered between delayed sobs, “so I have the time to type out “derp” over global chat. Reds hate that”. At a post-crime scene interview conducted at the Trans-Regional River Fork Mental Health Stability Clinic, where he was under close observation for three days, DURP’emBurger confessed “this time it was just too much”. After his initial shell penetrated the lightly armored side of the first enemy VK 16.02 Leopard “as if in slow motion”, he says a mild clenching in his abdominal region, and a hint of compassion in the back of his conscience, prompted a watershed crisis reaction to the fireball. “I typed out “sorry” instead”, he managed to blurt out before again breaking down with uncontrollable hysteric laughter and collapsing to the floor.

So far regional NA authorities have managed to locate only four of DURP’em’s six total victims, who all displayed multiple symptoms of singed hair, blackened and scorched clothing, and transient psychological damage. Exit interviews indicate that none had perceived an enemy KV-2 in the team lists, even less so one with as infamous a reputation for terrorizing tier VI as DURP’em. “I went to that white circle near the rocks”, said Player_98783728283, driver of a stock T67, “someone said “Capture C!” so I rushed there”. Another noticed a second Leo disappear, and additional tanks thereafter at roughly 18-second intervals, followed each by an apology appearing in chat, but didn’t consider the repercussions of following them down the heavy route in an Anko special. “The “sorry” was there before the smoke had even cleared”, shared MeBoss_USux_03 quietly.

After the unprecedented outbreak of compassion DURP’emBurger_152_ has apparently make a successful return to Blitz, scorching many tanks that insist on coming out sideways to 152mm HE shells. “There is a lot of wailing about the KV-2” he stated after completing rehab, “but what most light-tank-justice-warriors don’t realize is that we derp-specialists are people too. We care about our enemies, and feel their pain, even if just for a moment”. A statement released on the Blitz NA forums in response to the crisis of conscience simply said that “KV-2 working as intended”.

Screen Shot 2017-11-01 at 7.00.09 PM.png



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s