SACRAMENTO, November 6th, 2017 – Grizzled prospector pickHAX_pete filed a claim in the county courthouse last Friday for the long abandoned center shaft on Mines. Publicly available copies of the submission, scrawled in semi-legible free hand, indicate that it spans the entire hilltop area, the mine entrance, and all branching shafts which contain “dah biggust daggum pile of sparts I never did see befoh”. Spare Parts remain the critical rate-limiting currency in Blitz and a driver of perpetual player engagement, via mission completion, epic medal battles and raging forum flame threads not rivaled since #loyal.
Following the profound changes of update 3.8 and the compulsive gold expenditure they are designed to entice, ETC3 (Existential Timer-Crisis, grade 3) is now a diagnosed medical condition, recognized by researchers on at least three servers as a “pre-violent” psych-disorder signaling impending “Device Throwing Rage” (DTR, grade 5). Authorities have even voiced concern that black market demand for illicit Sparts could soon reach the scale leveraged by the free-exp cartels with their garage-chat gold scam. Indeed, Sparts pickpockets have already become troublesome in major cities on the east coast. “Any easing of the illicit trade in Sparts could be expected to improve public health, lessen violent crime on our streets and herald World Peace” said Miss Bat.-Châtilion so eloquently at her crowning over the weekend.
Conservative estimates speculate the potential value of _pete’s mother lode at close to 2.1 trillion Sparts in embedded GLD’s, extra armor and engine accelerators alone. “We can’t even contemplate the street value of the v-stab seam” wheezed a wide eye and hyperventilating analysist from Armor&APCR magazine. The fortunate prospector has already begun to cash in, moving from the derelict town to the swank columned mansion on Vineyards. Expectations that WarGaming might not take to the discovery kindly have led to rumors that the shadowy figure only known as bored_Sig_sniper had been “activated”. Long suspected of being a payrolled hitman, bored_Sig is though to have been behind the sudden termination of botting accounts earlier this year.
In BlitzErtainment news today, rumor has it that controversial retiring World Miss Armor 2016, Miss Obj. 268, has found herself a mysterious new boyfriend! Now that her reign is over, keen observers are likely to forget the Russian bribery and blackmail scandal that distracted from her unheralded ascension a year ago. Seems as though she has wielded her “rugged good looks” and tiara to snag a fine prospect! Grainy telephoto images of the canoodling couple suggests he may need a shave and some dental reconstruction! In typical terse fashion, Miss 268 allowed, “He very rich. Da. Want HE shell? Go away”.